No one gets into a relationship and purposely have a child just to not be together. But, things happen; people change, people grow apart and sometimes, things just were never meant to be. So, how do you raise a child when you are no longer together? You co-parent!
"Co parenting, sometimes called joint parenting or shared parenting,is the experience of raising children as a single parent when separation or divorce occurs."
Disclaimer: I am neither a therapist or psychologist, this blog excerpt is simply coming from a place of mistakes and experience.
As many of you may or may not know, I share a daughter with my ex fiance. Never in a million years would I think that I would be writing a blog about co-parenting but, here I am lol. God is amusing sometimes, the very position I've always sworn I would never be in is the same position that is promoting my growth as a woman and mother. Won't He do it?! I know we live in a generation where we don't see much healthy break ups when a child is involved but, trust me when I tell you, it CAN be done. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it will be an easy road but what relationship is? Yes, this is a relationship that you still have with this other parent! You are forever connected to him/her because of this little human. So, how can we create a healthy atmosphere for all the parties involved? Read on for some tips...
Don't just talk, LISTEN to what the other parent is trying to say. Don't just listen, SPEAK! There's nothing more disrespectful than when someone is trying to express their feelings or thoughts and it's being disregarded. We're all adults (I hope lol) but, emotions do get the best of us sometimes and that's okay. So, in a situation where you feel like your feelings are clouding your common sense, a simple, "let's talk about this at a better time because I don't want to say the wrong things right now," can go a long way.
Because this child will now be raised in two different homes, rules and boundaries must be put into place between the two parents. For us, one of our rules in BOTH homes is that on school nights, Abigail has to be in bed by 9pm. Kids should not be allowed to live completely different lives just because mom and dad aren't living under the same roof. Kids need consistency in their lives.
This is something I've never struggled with but, I know that it does happen a lot with other parents. NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT, NEVER EXPRESS THOSE FEELINGS IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD! Don't get me wrong now! There's been days when I've called my girls and cursed my ex up and down. We are human and this is okay! But, my daughter has never heard those words from me or anyone around her. Why? Well, for one she's only 4 years old and she is my child not my friend; everything doesn't need to be said around her. Two, her daddy is a super hero in her eyes. He has been in her life since the day she was born so, I would never taint her perspective about her hero.
You will move on and your ex will move on, your child will eventually have step parents. This could be a beautiful experience for everyone if we're all mature. My daughter has a step-father and in her eyes she has "two dads." I know the day will come when my daughter will also have a step-mother and I pray that she's mature, for her sake. Just kidding lol, maybe. Seriously though, I see so many situations where parents are upset about their child spending time with another male or female. But, if your child is happy, safe and has one more human being that is in their life loving them like their own, then what's the problem? I had to go through this to look at it from that perspective. Of course, a sit down and conversation among the biological parent and step-parent is necessary for a healthy relationship. This is where you put your big girl/boy pants on!
Lastly, but definitely not least, we all struggle financially, whether we like to admit it or not. Some season one parent might be struggling financially and may not be able to provide the same as before. This is where teamwork comes into play. Yes, your ex is your teammate, when he/she can't they should be able to tag you in because ultimately your child's well being is the goal! We must also realize that financially is NOT the only way a parent can provide. Emotional, physical and spiritual support can do way more for a child than money ever could.
I hope this blessed someone. Love, Lynn Jacques
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